I am not a problem to be solved

Like a snake devouring its own tail

Whew!  I haven’t written in a while.  I don’t know why.  Maybe the pandemic has taken up the oxygen in my room. But I suspect it has more to do with a problem I’ve been trying to deal with. I do this – work on problems.  I like to do this.  I like puzzles, I like to analyze things.  My ego loves the challenge of a good problem.  I like the feeling of solving it.  Both in my inner life and in my outer life. 

Often, I will notice that I am struggling in some area of life and I dig into the problem solving mode like a dog with a bone. 

The problem I was trying to solve was my increased desire to withdraw and be solitary.   Not that I think there is anything wrong with being solitary, but in my case, it just seemed that no matter how much solitude I carved out for myself, it was never enough. 

I wondered if maybe it was just a temporary phenomenon that had arisen because for the first time in my life, I found myself NOT having to take care of anyone.  My kids were all grown, off our payroll and doing well, I am no longer taking care of my parents, my  marriage is strong and stable.  At first it felt a little bit like summer break in college.  In college I would always be exhausted by the time break rolled around.  I would sleep and sleep and sleep for days on end.  Sometimes I would even get sick as soon as finals were over.   But eventually, I would emerge rested and ready to re-engage.  

This time, it seemed to just not go away.  I couldn’t get enough time alone no matter what I did.  I dreaded interactions at work, interactions with people, interactions of all kinds.  It’s probably in large part, been the reason I haven’t posted on this blog.  I just wanted to crawl in a hole. 

I’m a firm believer that the body and the emotions are very wise and will tell us things that our mind will not or cannot acknowledge.  I’m trying to learn to listen to my body and my emotions rather than just powering through and ignoring them. 

So, I listened. 

I brought the issue to my spiritual director.  I listened some more.  Then one day recently, I was sitting in meditation and brought the issue to that space.  Why I hadn’t brought it into that space before I don’t know.  I think I had been using my meditation time strictly as a time for silence – as another way to try to carve out some solitude.  

In that space I heard, “my yoke is easy and my burden is light”  

I said to the space, “This does not feel easy.  I feel burdened and weighed down by almost every kind of human interaction.” 

And as I sat with it I heard this, “Your feelings are fine.  They are not a problem to be solved.  You are not a problem to be solved.”

And there it was. 

Grace.

I am not a problem to be solved. 

And I realized that a large part of my exhaustion and desire to avoid interactions was actually coming from the judgement I was imposing on myself for the exhaustion.  Like a snake devouring its own tail. 

The realization that this feeling is not a problem to be solved was like a burden being lifted and suddenly the yoke became easy and the burden became light.  I saw how this was a burden I had laid on my own shoulders and in so many areas of life.  My emotional reactions had been problems to be solved, my body and extra pounds had become a problem to be solved, my aching feet, my aching head, my time management, etc.. etc.. all problems to be solved.  I had become a walking problem to be solved. 

I am not a problem to be solved.

You are not a problem to be solved.

Life is not a problem to be solved.

Life is just an experience to be had.  Open handed, open hearted, without judgement. 

With grace. 

Artwork taken from: lifeindetox.com/blog

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The Anti-Christ Gospel - Giving to the Needy

You do want to give God the glory after all don’t you?

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.” … Except on Social Media.  Then you should announce your righteous beliefs regularly so that everyone knows how spiritual and Christian you are.   You might want to throw in a little condemnation of those who don’t share your beliefs while you’re at it.  “And when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets and do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret.  Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” …  Of course this doesn’t apply on your tax returns, you can certainly announce your charitable giving there. And if you can use your giving to inspire others, then by all means you should. You don’t want to hide your light under a bushel. And be sure to proclaim to others that the reason you have prospered in this life is because you have tithed and put your trust in god and that god has rewarded you for your generosity.  You do want to give God the glory after all don’t you? 

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The Anti-Christ Gospel - Love Your Enemies

…you don’t need to send showers of love and blessing to the unrighteous.  That’s God’s job. 

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ “…  But I tell you, maybe don’t HATE your enemy, but you should certainly fight against them and try to make them like you are.   Only people who are like you can be your neighbor. Once you’ve converted them to your way of thinking, then you can love them fully.    Now, if they persecute you, you might want to pray for them, but you can certainly consider them your enemy.  If they say things on social media that contradict your viewpoints, or even worse put down your viewpoints, by all means take them to task.  Call them out.  Throw in some name calling and put downs.  After all, it’s your job to change their mind that you may be children of your Father in heaven. I mean, even though He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous, you don’t need to send showers of love and blessing to the unrighteous.  That’s God’s job.  Yours is to call them out!   If you love those who don’t love you, how are you going to make a difference in this world?   And if you greet those who are not your own people, you are just watering down the gospel.  You should fight against them with all your might.   Just don’t hate them.   If you can just keep from hating them, then you are doing more than the pagans and are justified.   Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.  And do everything you can to make sure everyone else is as perfect as you are. 

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The Anger to Say No

I wanted her to have a voice, to connect with what she wanted, to speak up for herself. She just wouldn't. Or couldn't.

Saying no has always been problematic for me.    Maybe it’s partly due to my age.  I was raised in the seventies.  I was raised in a time when children were not allowed to say “no” to their parents.  Under any circumstances.  (Regrettably, I raised my kids this way as well.)

And as a child of the seventies, for all the progress that women made in that decade, women were still not really free to say no without disapproval.   We were still being groped and cat-called and told to smile regularly.  We were still expected not to say anything and if we did, we were called a bitch.   And let’s be honest, that still goes on today.  Progress is slow. Women in the seventies not only suppressed their “no”, they generally didn’t have much of voice to say much of anything at all.   They followed their husband if his career uprooted them.  They spent as he decided.  They cooked as he preferred.  They didn’t admit to having periods or cramps.  Women had cute little carriers in their purses for tampons because heaven forbid someone actually saw the tampon!  Many women showed up to breakfast fully dressed with hair and make-up done.  They didn’t swear and they didn’t shout.  They didn’t fart or burp. 

I heard Glennon Doyle say once that it has historically been a woman’s job to make everyone comfortable and this couldn’t be more true.  We have acted and spoken and looked a certain way in order to be approved of and in order to make everyone around us more comfortable. 

My mom lived with me from 2015-2020.  It’s interesting when we live with our parents as adults.  All the things that just seemed normal in our childhood, stand out in bold relief years later.  I left home in 1981 and 34 years later, when mom moved in, her lack of a voice was obvious to me in a way it had not been growing up.   I would ask her, "what do you want?" and she'd reply, "whatever you think."   If I made any kind of assertion she would reply, "I suppose you're right.”  She almost never voiced an opinion, a need or a want.  I had to pull it out of her.  I found that it was not only frustrating, but it hit a nerve in me. Maybe because I have worked so hard as an adult to have a voice and use it.  When it came to my mom, my brothers would say, "maybe she just doesn't want to have to make the decision, maybe she wants you to make it for her, she's so used to dad making all her decisions for her, maybe she doesn't know what she wants."  And all that was true.  But I didn't want to play that game.  I wanted her to have a voice, to connect with what she wanted, to speak up for herself.  She just wouldn't.  Or couldn't.   It made me see so plainly that this was what was modeled for me growing up. I wanted to speak up for myself. And often I couldn’t either.

My mom once told me when I was a teenager that if a woman never says no to her husband, he never has a reason to "look elsewhere".  I believed this.  It seemed reasonable to me and seemed like a good way to enact some control over my one-day future husband’s fidelity. 

In addition to culture silencing my voice, and the messages from my mom; my church silenced me as well and told me that I was not allowed to have a "no".  They were fond of quoting 1 Corinthians 7:5 at marriage retreats, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”   I internalized this.  Just like with my mom’s advice, it seemed reasonable to me and seemed like a good way to enact some control over my husband’s fidelity.

(Side note: in my experience “mutual consent” for devotion to prayer never happened……did it happen for anybody?) 

The church silenced women in more ways that sexually.  A woman was not allowed to have a voice in the church.  1 Corinthians 14:34 “Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says.”   For many years, I internalized this and kept my thoughts an opinions to myself in church.  I wanted to be good, Christian woman, a good wife and it seemed to me that this meant not having a voice. 

But, by my mid-thirties, when everything fell apart despite all my attempts at silence and rule following, I began to rethink all this.  It occurred to me that silencing myself was a form of deceit.  My voice was my truth.  I recognize now that I had to frame it as morally superior truth-telling to be able to speak.  I was still very concerned with being “good.”    

When I started using my voice, it was not well received by my then-husband.  It was part of the beginning of the end for us. 

That was over 20 years ago, and frustratingly, “no” is still very hard for me.  For so many reasons. 

I don't want to admit that I can't do it all. 

I don't want to let people down.

I don't want to be rejected if I say no. 

I still want to be “good” and somewhere deep in my psyche, “no” is bad. 

I recently noticed that there was an area of my married life that I had been hoping would change for years, and suddenly it had. It was one of those things that kept getting talked about over and over, but real change had not occurred.  You know those things.  All marriages have them.  Those things where you think to yourself, “are we really going to have this conversation AGAIN?”  Then suddenly, after years of the same conversation, it shifted.  I thought the anger I had harbored would go away when the issue went away.  I waited for the anger and resentment to pass through me, but they didn’t.  So, it was time to talk to my therapist about it.  

I think that what I learned is important.  Even though it’s been years since I believed that it was wrong to use my voice and say “no”, the programming went deep and try as I might, I still usually feel bad for saying “no.”  The intellectual belief was not changing the emotional response.

Anger and resentment were the internal weaponry I had been using for years in order to find the courage to say no; in order to say no with minimal guilt.  To be sure, I kept them well hidden. (I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.) And yet, the anger and the resentment were also the reason the "no" was only comfortable for me intellectually and not emotionally.  They were keeping the "no" stuck in my head and keeping the guilt stuck in my emotions. 

So, I'm working to lay down that weaponry.  I’m telling myself I don’t need it anymore.  I am learning to just say “no” with peace.  Not with any anger or bitterness to armor myself.  In the hopes that this gets the "no" into a place of grace and peace emotionally. 

The Anti-Christ Gospel - An Eye for an Eye

Above all, protect your freedom and your rights.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’  And then there are some that will say, ‘Do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.   And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.   If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.  Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.’  “

But I tell you that you might not want to take an eye for an eye, but turning the other cheek is just not practical.  You must stand up for yourself.  Especially if the one that is asking you to go one mile is the government.  In that case, it’s probably a conspiracy to take away your freedom.  Above all, protect your freedom and your rights.  That’s what makes America great.   Forget about turning the other cheek.  That’s bullshit. 

The Anti-Christ Gospel - Oaths

It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.”

“Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’” …  But I tell you, that’s really old fashioned shit.  You can’t possibly keep up with all your promises.  Sometimes you have to say yes to people just to get them off your back.  It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

The World is Burning

We must not look away

We must not look away. We live in a time of racism, xenophobia, and rampant misogyny; a time of nationalism, capitalism, and open bigotry; a time of climate collapse and mass extinction that may well count us among its casualties. So many of us are adherents or former adherents of the most dangerous faith the world has yet known. My friends, don’t you see the world is burning?

https://christiansocialism.com/white-evangelicalism-psychoanalysis-politics/

The Least of These

Whatever you’ve done to the least of these, you’ve done to me.

Whatever you’ve done to the least of these, you’ve done to me.

Whatever you’ve done to the least of these, you’ve done to me.

Whatever you’ve done to the least of these, you’ve done to me.

Whatever you’ve done to the least of these, you’ve done to me.

Whatever you’ve done to the least of these, you’ve done to me.

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The Anti-Christ Gospel - Divorce

You don’t owe her anything.

“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ “… This is really practical advice. You want it all in writing. Be sure you get a good lawyer who can get you the best deal possible. It’s totally OK to divorce your wife and leave her with no resources.  It is not your responsibility to pay for any alimony or child support, above what the law requires, even if she has given up her career to raise your children or has worked to help put you through college.  You don’t owe her anything. 
After all, she should be able to make-due on the court-ordered child support.  How could you possibly pay child support and still pay for the extras like medical bills, braces, glasses, summer camp, or college and still expect to find a new wife and buy her nice things? 

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The Anti-Christ Gospel - Your Right Eye

When I looked for pictures of people with their eyes gouged out, they were almost entirely women.

“If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.   And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. “

Don’t be misled into thinking that this is about consumption and never being satisfied.  And just like the lust thing, I’m not talking here about the desire to overpower or possess.   I don’t speak metaphorically.  So, I’m not talking about the inability to see things clearly or the consuming desire to grasp at things.  I’m talking literally about looking at and touching women.  Duh.   You should actually gouge out your eye if you look at a woman and have a sexual thought.  You should actually chop off your hand if you touch a woman.  Women are off limits and will contaminate you spiritually.    Of course, you don’t have to take this kind of extreme measure if the woman tempted you.  In that situation, of course it’s her fault and not yours.  For example: if she was wearing something revealing.  In America, that’s tight pants, or a a tight shirt, short shorts or a short skirt, a low-cut blouse, or god forbid a bikini.  In the Middle East, that’s anything that shows her face or ankle.  In either case, you are not responsible, it’s her fault.    Of course men aren’t responsible for any of this. None of this applies to men, they can wear whatever they want because of course women don’t have sexual thoughts and those who do are clearly depraved and should have their eye gouged out - it would be entirely their fault and not be because of anything men did. I have proof of this. When I looked for pictures of people with their eyes gouged out, they were almost entirely women.

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