The feast of death

There is no feast without death and destruction.

Behind every feast is a great deal of violence. Things are killed, pulled and plucked, sliced and smashed. Heat is applied.

If you were the potato as it sat in the oven, you would not celebrate the feast that is about to occur.

It’s a simplistic parallel, but life is the same. There is no feast without death and destruction. Sometimes we’re the soil, sometimes the potato and sometimes we are the feaster.

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REST

The body is our most reliable prophet

I can’t believe it’s been over two months since I posted anything! I intended to take a break for the holidays and it turned into something more.

My son fell ill over the holidays and sitting with him in the ER over New Years Eve, I gave him a little talk about how the body is our most reliable prophet. It will tell us to rest when our minds tell us that hard work is the answer. It will say “no” when we can’t bring our mouths to say it. It will tell us to sit when we have been standing too long or to stand when we’ve been chained to our desk. It will tell us to quit eating or drinking, or to eat or drink more.

If we listen.

Most of us have told our bodies to shut up. Most of us plug our ears and turn away.

The body may scream even louder

STOP!

BREATHE!

REST!

The talk I gave my son was as much for me as for him. It’s easy for me to drive myself. Work, produce, work even more. The opportunities are always there. Career, taking care of my parents, taking care of my kids, home improvement projects, self improvement projects. Blogging.

So, for a change, I listened to my body and rested instead of writing.

Now I’m back.

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Girl Talk Part 7 - Damaged Goods

When we make people “goods” it’s much easier to make them damaged goods.

Warning:  This one gets a little preachy. 

For the series “girl talk” I asked women about the toxic messages they were given as advice.  I got tons of responses on the topic of damaged goods. 

• One woman told a story about being at a retreat where the leader gave out oreo cookies to everyone.  Then he took one from one of the girls, opened it and licked out the cream filling and gave it back to her.  He proceeded to tell everyone to enjoy their cookie.  The point he then went on to make is that of course the girl didn’t want her cookie, because he had already enjoyed it.  This is how men will see her if she gives herself away sexually before marriage.  No one will want her because she is damaged goods. 

• Another told about the same kind of message she was given but using a chewed gum metaphor. 

• Another was told:  “Your virginitiy is like a flower, if you give away petals you will have nothing left for your husband”

• My mom told me when I was growing up that no one would want to buy the cow if the milk was for free. 

This purity culture messages is saying that a woman’s worth is in her purity.   It teaches women it is a good strategy to withhold sex from a man in order to get him to marry her.   So, in essence, we are setting up a system in which men marry women to get in their pants.  But what about afterwards?  What happens after that desire is satisfied?  What is the attraction at that point?  

I hate the cow analogy, but honestly, how will we ever know whether someone loves us for our personhood rather than our maidenhood unless we give the milk away for free?  Do I want my relationship to be based upon sexual coercion?

To be in a relationship with a woman, you are in a relationship with a person, not a cow, or gum or flowers or oreo cookies.  Quite obviously, a woman who has had sex is not damaged goods any more than a boy who has had sex is damaged goods. Their worth is not bound up in their purity, or honestly in any other singular aspect of their body.  Girls and boys alike must be taught that what makes a person attractive is not simply the body, virginal or not.   This kind of objectification leads to using rather than loving.   Girls and boys alike must be taught to value character, intelligence, humor and depth in the other.  These are the traits that will contribute to solid relationships of mutual respect and equality. 

There are a million ways to hurt and damage another person.  Sex can be one of them if it is undertaken without consent or respect.  But you know what else damages a person?  Reducing them to an object that is only desirable under certain conditions.   I’m sure an awful lot of kids have been damaged by the oreo cookie talk, the chewing gum analogy and the cow advice.   I have a lot more baggage from the cow advice than from sex outside of marriage. 

To be sure, it’s not just women that are hurt by messages of objectification.  When any person is objectified, it is easier for us to use, abuse and neglect them.  It is easier for us to reject them and toss them out if we don’t see them as human beings. Whether we say a woman is only desirable if she’s a virgin, or if she’s thin enough, or that a man is only desirable based on his ability to earn money and be successful.   Either way, the person is reduced to an object.  When we make people “goods” it’s much easier to make them damaged goods.   

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Girl Talk Part 6 - The "S" Word

Submit

Well, you must have known if I asked a bunch of women about toxic advice they’ve been given, that the subject of submission would come up sooner or later. I got so many responses about submission, that I can’t even begin to list them all but here are a few:   

·        A Godly woman is submissive

·        Men are the provider, pursuer, and protector

·        The wife is the “helper” or “helpmeet”  to her husband

·        The man is supposed to be the “spiritual leader” of his wife

·        Be careful about intimidating men, make sure to make yourself smaller so you don't scare them away!

 ·        A woman should never ask a man on a date, because she would be seen as too forward, desperate, or intimidating.

 I’ve waited to write about the “s” word, because it’s hard to know what to say.  It’s always been interesting to me (and tragic) that religion has taken the verses on submission and weaponized them against women. 

The Bible has much to say about an attitude of submission, and the smallest amount of it is directed at women.  Some examples: 

• Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also; and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well

• Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times

• A dispute also arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. 25 Jesus said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. 26 But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves.

• Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.

•  Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children,  and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God

Obviously, verses in the Bible about submission of women to their husbands were written in the context of a time in history and a society in which women did not have equality.  Sure they say that the husband is the head of the wife.  This was the way things were back then.  It was a time and a society in which women had no rights, people owned slaves, customs were different.   It’s fascinating (and not in a good way) that we are able to adjust our understanding and are able to see pretty clearly that verses about slavery, or other customs like eating meat sacrificed to idols, or covering the head during worship, do not translate literally for modern times, but the same kind of common sense is not applied to verses that describe women’s societal roles. 

Even so, if you read the verses in full, it is clear that the picture that is being painted promotes an attitude of mutual submission and respect to one another.  In addition to telling women to be submissive they say:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

and

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 

Certainly a revolutionary idea for its time!  Not only does the writer ask women to be submissive, but he asks for the man to give himself up for her as Christ did for people and to submit mutually.   Surely this idea for its time promoted women and offered them a degree of status and equality that their society did not.   The verse was meant to move women ahead.

It is tragic that 2000 years later, Christianity – the very movement that set them light years ahead in the area of equality – that is now setting them light years back. 

You know what the “s” word for that is?  Shame. 

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Silence

“Silence is God’s first language. Everything else is a poor translation.”

Thomas Keating died on October 25th.    Cynthia Bourgeault wrote the following: “ He will be remembered as one of the giants of contemporary contemplative spirituality, not only for his groundbreaking work in Centering Prayer—which made contemplation truly accessible to Christian lay people for the first time—but also for the breadth and depth of his interspiritual vision, which kept growing in luminosity and compassion right up to his very last breath. I have never witnessed a more triumphant and powerful conscious death, modeling for us all the wingspan of spirit that can dwell in a life courageously and recklessly tossed to the winds of God.”

I aspire to that kind of death; one that is powerful and conscious, one that is the final act of a life recklessly tossed to the winds of God. I’m working on that kind of a life. It’s definitely a work in progress.

Thomas Keating was considered to be one of the pioneers of centering prayer, a type of meditation that is rooted in silence.   I just discovered centering prayer a couple of years ago. I have been an undisciplined meditator for over twenty years, and an undisciplined meditator loses out on the lessons to be gained from meditation.  I started meditating in my late twenties, when I became a licensed hypnotherapist.  The methods I used were either guided imagery, or breath meditations.   After the first couple of years, my meditation practice became more and more sporadic.   A couple of years ago, I decided to renew my practice and discovered centering prayer by reading a book by Cynthia Bourgeault.  I’ve found the journey into silence to be much more challenging than the types of meditation I’ve done in the past and much more compelling.  I love silence.  I long for it.  I struggle with it.  Real silence is hard to achieve.  Even when I cut out the noise from the outside, the noise from inside persists.  The ego likes to chatter and doesn’t like to let go.  Thomas Keating is known to have said, “Silence is God’s first language. Everything else is a poor translation.” 

Here is a lovely prayer from Thomas Keating:

The Welcoming Prayer (by Father Thomas Keating)

Welcome, welcome, welcome,

I welcome everything that comes to me today, 

because I know it's for my healing.

I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons, situations, and conditions. 

I let go of my desire for power and control.

I let go of my desire for affection, esteem, approval and pleasure. 

I let go of my desire for survival and security. 

I let go of my desire to change any situation, condition, person or myself.

I open to the love and presence of God and God's action within. 

Amen. 

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Spit it out

Goals were about how strong you were and what you were able to endure rather than what you wanted and didn’t want.

When I was a little girl, I couldn't figure out how to eat meat.  I couldn't figure out how to chew and let the juice stay with the meat and swallow it while it was still moist. I would swallow the juice and just chew and chew the meat until it became dry and inedible in my mouth.  I would quietly spit it into my napkin, hoping nobody noticed.  My siblings love to tell a funny but gross story that I barely remember because I was so young.  We were on a family road trip and stopped for lunch.  I still had the bacon from breakfast in my mouth because I hadn't been able to swallow it and had nowhere in the car to spit it out.

This bacon story is a metaphor and was a foreshadowing for my life.   There are a lot of things in life that I can do if I tough it out.  There are some I can’t.  Far too often, I have held on to things way too long, rather than saying no and letting go; jobs, relationships, tasks and responsibilities.   That kind of determination has served me well in many cases and has been a disaster in others.     Being raised by a football coach, there was an emphasis on strength.  Goals were about how strong you were and what you were able to endure rather than what you wanted and didn’t want.  Admitting weakness was not done. One must never admit defeat. 

I find that even after years of trying to connect with what I want, I am often far too focused on endurance instead of desire.  Saying no and letting go usually seems to feel more like "I can't" than "I don't want to.”   So, I chew and chew and chew until things become dry and gross rather than spitting them out. 

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Girl Talk - Part 5 - Soul mates

All have shaped my soul.

In continuing my “Girl Talk” series, let’s talk about soul mates. As you know, I solicited input from women asking them what life advice they received, that they found to be toxic. Some of the women I heard from talked about how toxic the idea of a soul mate had been to them. 

I looked it up in the dictionary  

soul mate

/ˈsōl ˌmāt/

noun

plural noun: soulmates

1.      a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

“Ideally suited to one another” sounds pretty non-threatening and non-toxic by definition.  And yet most people have a much more emotionally charged idea of the soul mate.  The soul mate is often thought of as one person out there that is your one true love, your prince charming, “the one god has for you.” 

This idea of a soul mate can be a pretty heavy burden.  It’s a lot of pressure to think that you have this one shot to find the ONE. 

What if you never find them? 

What if you miss your opportunity?

How will you know when it’s “the one?” 

What if you misjudge it and end up with someone who isn’t “the one?”  

One website I read said, “Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle.”   

Wait…. what?????

I went through years of therapy to learn that no person can make me feel whole, healed and intact.  It was my job to become whole and bring that whole person into the relationship.  Two halves don’t make a whole – two wholes make a whole.  

As a girl, I was raised on fairy tales and romance novels.  I bought into the soul-mate myth and when I was sixteen I met him.  Love at first site, intense, passionate.  We could finish one another’s sentences, we could finish each other’s jokes, we knew what the other one was thinking without even having to say anything.   We married young and were completely confident that we were soul-mates.   And maybe we were for that moment in time, as young-love teenagers, and yet we weren’t whole and complete, so the whole thing fell apart.  We expected the other one to fill the void, to fulfill the dream of happily ever after, but that’s not how happily ever after works.  

Happily ever after isn’t about riding off into the sunset with someone who makes you feel whole, healed and intact, it’s about being with someone who takes responsibility for their own wholeness and healing and shares that journey honestly with you.  That journey with someone is messy.  It’s filled with beauty and also with conflict, boredom, and irritation.  It’s mundane.  It’s being OK with the fact that sometimes you can’t stand how much you love them and sometimes you just can’t stand them.  

If your idea of a soul mate is this one magical person who will come into your life, sweep you off your feet and fill your every desire, when the day-in, day-out of life rubs the shine off the relationship, and your every desire is not being fulfilled, you might just start thinking you’re with the wrong person.  You might start believing that you made  a mistake and missed your soul-mate.  You might start looking around thinking that your TRUE soul-mate is out there somewhere.  And you will miss the beauty of the real-life love that’s right in front of you. 

If there are soul-mates, I like the idea that they are simply people that come into our lives and touch our souls in some way. 

Friends, encounters, siblings, children, parents, lovers. 

I’ve had many soul mates.  Some have come into my life and left again.  Some have stayed.  All have changed me in one way or another.  All have shaped my soul. 

“When you meet that person. a person. one of your soulmates. let the connection. the relationship. be what it is. it may be five minutes. five hours. five days. five months. five years. a lifetime. five lifetimes. let it manifest itself the way it is meant to be. it has an organic destiny. this way it stays or if it leaves. you will be softer. from having been loved this authentically. souls come into. return. open. and sweep through your life for a myriad of reason. let them be who. and what they are meant to be."      -Nayyirah Waheed

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Girl Talk - Part 4 - Pretty is as Pretty does

For men, the way they look is divorced from their behavior.

“Pretty is as Pretty does”

This little piece of advice seems harmless.   My mom used to say this to me to encourage good behavior.  I think it probably worked. What I didn’t realize is that it taught me that being pretty is the goal.  Not being smart, not being funny, not being well educated, or a leader, or someone who makes a difference in the world. 

Being pretty

Being ornamental

Eye Candy

My brothers were never advised “handsome is as handsome does”.   I wonder what that would even mean?   In thinking about what the list of “handsome is as handsome does” might include, it didn’t compute. We don’t have behaviors that equate to a “handsome” in men. We have behaviors that equate to a gentleman, but not a handsome man. For men, the way they look is divorced from their behavior. For women, it comes as a package deal and it’s all about being attractive to others.

“Pretty” actions, in my mother’s definition were things like: gentleness, submissiveness, compliance, quietness and a soft-spoken tone, hospitality, being even-tempered and positive, being accommodating.  It’s not that she ever really defined what she meant by “pretty is as pretty does” in so many words, but she modeled it.

“Ugly is as ugly does” would have been defined as:   Anger, outspokenness, assertiveness, argumentative, loudness, highly opinionated, dominance. 

All of the “ugly” qualities for me were the very qualities that were modeled for my brothers as qualities of a man. My dad modeled strength, volume, strong, authoritative (and often angry) opinions and criticisms, and immovability. He was called a gentleman because he opened doors for ladies, brought home flowers, didn’t burp or fart or swear in front of ladies and was well groomed. It had nothing to do with his being gentle.

An outspoken, assertive and dominant man is a leader. An outspoken, assertive and dominant woman is a bitch. And society tells us a bitch is ugly.

To comment, click on the title of this post: “Girl Talk - Part 4 - Pretty is as Pretty does”

Girl Talk - Part 3 - Paint the Barn Door

It means to put on make-up.

In the FB group where I asked women for the best, most toxic phrases they’ve been given as girl advice, one woman posted that she was taught that woman should be sure to “paint the barn door” before their husbands get home from work. 

Several of us had to ask what that even meant, so she enlightened us.  It means to put on make-up. 

Not only is this supposed to be good advice for women, it’s supposed to be someone’s idea of good “Christian” advice for women. I guess they didn’t read the verse that says that our beauty is not supposed to come from “outward adornment.”

What is the purpose of advice of this type?  It is a message of control.   If we make ourselves as beautiful as we can, we will “keep our man.”  We are in control. 

There are so many versions of this out there.  Some years ago, I was in a women’s bible study, in which the writer of the course said she always makes sure her make up is on and hair is done before her husband leaves in the morning so that the last image he has of her is one of beauty.  This, she stated, would help him resist temptation when he encountered beautiful women “out there” because he would remember he had a beautiful woman at home. 

Is that the kind of society we want to create?!  A world where men are helpless and we hold control over them with our beauty?    Maybe, for some, it is. 

This kind of quest for control comes at a price.  The notion that women are in control of men’s sexual behaviors is one of the issues in rape culture.  A woman is asked, “what were you wearing?” “why were you in that place?” etc… as though she could have controlled the situation with her appearance or behavior.  We cannot expect to put forth messages that perpetuate the myth that women are responsible for men’s sexual behavior, and not expect a backlash in which victims of sexual misconduct are blamed. 

This way of thinking does men such a disservice as well.  Imagine if you were raised with the message that the way another person LOOKED would cause you to either behave well, or badly.  How out of control would you feel?   One woman in the discussion said her husband felt that this type of a message is demeaning to men – and he’s right!  This message of disempowerment is as destructive to men as it is to women. 

Another problem with this type of a message is it makes sexuality about fear and control.  The hidden message is, “I’m afraid my husband will cheat.  I need to do something about it.  I can control his fidelity with my beauty. I need to put on make-up, get a boob-job, diet more, get collagen fillers, botox” ……. and the list never ends because if a little control is good, more is even better.   As long as we operate from this mindset, we can expect that our sex lives will be about fear and control, and not about love and intimacy.   

My first husband was unfaithful.  When we were going through counseling, I tried and tried to figure out what I had done or not done, and what I could do or not do to prevent it.  Maybe if I had been more of this, less of that; prettier, thinner, – something. 

Anything. 

Maybe if I had prayed more or better.  Maybe …… 

And make no mistake, he tried to convince me it was my fault as well. 

I attended a support group at the time and looked around at the array of spouses who had been betrayed;  smart, not-smart, successful, unsuccessful, beautiful, not so beautiful, thin, not thin.  Their stories were as varied as they were.   There was no pattern to it.  It seemed that pretty much anyone could be betrayed for any reason whatsoever or for no reason at all.   My therapist asked me this question, “would there have been anything he could have done or not done that would have caused you to cheat?”  I knew the answer was no and then I knew that there was nothing I could have done or not done that would have kept him faithful.  His behavior belonged to him.  

You would think this would have been a relief and in one way it was, but in another it was not.  As long as I thought there was something I could DO (i.e paint the barn door or something), I had some shred of control.   Once I realized there was nothing I had done or could do, I felt no control whatsoever.   Then, and only then, did I understand the nature of love.  Love is freely given, without trying to control the other person.  You hope the person will love you back, for who you are and not for your paint-job.  You hope they will stay with you as your paint starts to crack and peel, but, sometimes they don’t, and your heart breaks.  

….but, there is someone who will. 

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Girl Talk - Part 2 - Modest is the Hottest

Can we stop telling boys that girls are their gatekeepers?

I put a question out on Facebook to a group I’m a part of asking them for the toxic phrases they heard that were directed at girls.  The first post was this one

“Modest is the hottest”. 

She heard it at church camp.   This is a new one I had never heard.  How had I missed it?  At first, I just laughed out loud.  This is at the same time ridiculous, sad - and completely untrue of course.  

When a girl hears phrases like this, she might think it’s about modesty.  If she’s young, she might believe it and aspire to dressing “modestly”

whatever that is  

But isn’t the message within the modesty message that first and foremost it’s her job to be hot? Desirable? Wantable?  I heard Glennon Doyle speak on the Deconstructionists podcast talking about baggage that resulted from church messages that were given to her.  She said something very powerful about how she was told so frequently that it was so important to BE wanted that she never thought about what SHE wanted.  That is a powerful statement and is just SO true for so many of us.     But in “modest is the hottest”, that is the message.    Be desireable, be want-able.   Be hot.   Oh, and by the way, the path to hotness is modesty so cover UP! 

Second, it’s about competition.  Not only should you aspire to being hot, but you should aspire to being the hottest.  

Third – define modesty.  One of the women on the Facebook group told a story about wearing a T-shirt that when she raised her hand, exposed part of her midriff.  She was told it was immodest.  The next day she put on an over-sized, baggy T-shirt and her breasts were groped by a stranger.  Was the baggy t-shirt modest?  Did it make any difference?   I’ve heard women tell stories about how they were coached not to wear anything that was snug enough to allow anyone to see if their breasts jiggled.   Some say the problem is the length of shorts, which button on the shirt is unbuttoned or not, V-necks, spaghetti straps, tight skirts, short skirts, and holes in jeans.  Modesty is a moving target and a game no one can win.  The logical conclusion to all of this is the burka.   If modest is the hottest, then women in burkas win.  

My husband and I had a laugh last night about “modest is the hottest”.  He pointed out that actually, burkas probably ARE the hottest , those women are probably burning UP in there!   Then this morning, just for a laugh, he brought me this little gem with my breakfast.  

He’s funny and he teaches me to laugh. 

Sometimes you just have to laugh.

Or you’ll cry. 

What is the goal of sayings like this?  

Some would say that teaching girls to dress modestly helps protect them from sexual assault.  But there are no facts to support that what a person wears has any bearing whatsoever on whether or not they are assaulted.  Take my friend in the baggy T-shirt I spoke of above.  According to womanstats.org, Saudi Arabia, has laws that require women to wear a hijab, a head scarf, as well as dress in loose, long garments that do not show the shape of the woman’s body, and yet on the “rape scale” which is a scale from 1-5 (5 being the worst), Saudi Arabia scores a 4.    There is a powerful art exhibit that has been displayed in various cities in recent years around the question, “what were you wearing”.  These are powerful exhibits and are aimed at doing away with victim-blaming and an implication that, maybe, the survivor could’ve prevented their assault if they had worn something less revealing, more modest. 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/powerful-art-exhibit-powerfully-answers-the-question-what-were-you-wearing_us_59baddd2e4b02da0e1405d2a

 Jen Brockman is one of the creators of the installation and director of the Sexual Assault Prevention and Education Center at the University of Kansas states, “Most times, this question is not asked from a place of malice. It's asked from a place of fear, by those who love and care about us.  That if they can figure out, what was the item of clothes that somehow left us vulnerable, that all they have to do is avoid that item and they will never be in this place that we are sitting in now. So it comes from that place of fear, but the results of it for survivors can be devastating."

http://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2018/04/26/sexual-assault-art-exhibit-clothing

If you agree that modesty is not a protection against assault, you might be in the camp that feels that girls are somehow responsible for the thought-life of boys.  This gets into the whole “causing your brother to stumble” thing, which I will blog about later.  Can we stop doing this?  Can we stop telling girls that they are responsible for what boys think and feel?  Can we stop telling boys that sexual thoughts and impulses are wrong?  Can we stop telling boys that they have no control over the actions they choose in response to their sexual thoughts and impulses?  Can we stop telling boys that girls are their gatekeepers?  Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where I was responsible for me, and you were responsible for you and we both felt comfortable around one another?  Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where I felt empowered enough to deal with my thoughts and emotions and so did you? 

Wouldn’t that be nice?

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