Girl Talk - Part 1 - Uncle talk

He thought this particular story was funny, I did not

In my blog post “Mottoes – Part 2 – The Cow”, I talked about the motto “no one will buy the cow if the milk is for free” and just how toxic that saying really is.  This was even more in my thoughts because of an encounter I had in a recent conversation with my uncle. This encounter, which I will discuss below, got me thinking about the power of words when it comes to women, our roles, our equality, our respect. I was reflecting on how so many things are said to women and about women that would never be said to or about men.

So this next series is about mottoes that are given only to women, sayings only about women, and advice given to men and women about women.  There is so much that is said to women and about women that is supposed to contain some kind of wisdom, that instead fosters dysfunction in relationships, contributes to rape culture,  demeans  men and women alike and is just generally shitty advice.  Hopefully, these posts will make you angry, and sad, and make you think about the power of words.  

I put out a Facebook post today in a group I’m a part of asking women what mottoes they’ve been given about women or womanhood that were supposed to be sage advice, but were just toxic.  The response was overwhelming.   We have some things to get off our chests!

Sometimes in this series, I will take the motto, and flip it to the masculine, just to show how awful or ridiculous these sayings are.  I stole this device from a brilliant twitter feed that I love; @themanwhohasitall.  The feed is at once comical and horrifying – I highly recommend it. 

I mentioned above that this series arose from a conversation I had with my uncle.  I’ll tell that story here - prepare to feel outraged. 

My uncle is in his late 70’s.  He is what is often affectionately referred to as “a character”, and looks a little like the guy in the picture above.   He likes to tell stories and often his stories are funny and fun to listen to, but this was not one of those times. 

Well, HE thought this particular story was funny, I did not. 

He was telling us a story about his cousin, who is an odd guy, and how he was a late bloomer where girls were concerned.   In telling about how his cousin “discovered girls” in college, my uncle stated, “he finally figured out what girls were for…” 

I wish I could say I came back at him with a sharp and scathing reply.  I didn’t.  I can never seem to think on my feet in moments like this.  One hour later, I thought of many sarcastic and biting things I wish I had interjected:

“OH!  Is THAT what girls are for??!!”

“What?  What do you mean?  What are girls for?” 

“Oh!  I didn’t know that’s what girls were for!  Is that what your daughters are for?!”

“Did you really just say, ‘he figured out what girls were for?’….”

… and so on. 

My husband who also sat there dumbstruck by the comment said later, “you should have seen the look on your face!”  He also said he wished he had thought to say, “Hey Heather, did you know that’s what girls are for!?” 

It was a missed opportunity for both of us.   Maybe next time…..

It  made me think about all the times when women are harassed, exploited, assaulted and demeaned.  So often, people ask, “why didn’t she speak up?”, or like my post in #me too – part 1, “why didn’t she just tell him to fuck off?”   Sometimes you’re just so dumbstruck, so punched-in-the-gut, so taken off guard, that you can’t think of anything to say, so you just stand there silent and angry.  And later, you’re angry at yourself for just standing there.   

Taking it.

To comment, click on the title of this post “Girl Talk - Part 1 - Uncle Talk”

The word "Sin"

This vision is about creating a new world, one where god’s “will” is done on earth as it is in heaven. 

As I’ve written before, words are problematic.  All words are metaphors for something and it’s the disconnect between your “something” and my “something” that causes the problem.   My first husband “loved” me.  He insisted upon it.  The problem was, his definition of what love was differed tremendously from mine.  So he felt unloved by me and I felt unloved by him.  All the while, we both insisted that we loved one another.  Needless to say, it didn’t work out. 

Today I used the word “sin” in a discussion at church.  Almost immediately afterward I wished I hadn’t.  I feel like the word “sin” is pretty universally used to describe actions that are categorized by one religion or another as prohibited or bad.   I don’t believe there is a list or lists somewhere of bad things we are prohibited from doing called “sins”, so I try not to use the word.  I believe that categories of “bad” and “prohibited” are done away with in the teachings of Christ and that grace makes everything permissible.  

In translating the Bible, scholars translated the word   σάρξ (sarx), which means “flesh” to “sinful nature”. 

I like “flesh” better. 

We are flesh – biological creatures and as such, we have biological instincts.  These instincts are not right or wrong per se, they are not “sin,” they are just the instincts that allowed us to survive.  They are just our flesh - our biology. We have the instinct for sex to reproduce, the instinct for competition for resources, the instinct to fight when we are threatened.  These instincts are seen in all living creatures and are part of their biology; their flesh.   The drives of the “flesh” keep us and all living things alive.  That certainly seems OK to me.  It certainly seems permissible. 

And while certainly permissible, we all know that these instincts are often not beneficial.  Competition for resources, the instinct to fight, and the sexual drive can lead to violence, exploitation, war, poverty, and so much more. 

The teachings of Christ ask us to resist our biological nature in many cases in favor of a spiritual nature that goes against the biology of survival.  Turning the other cheek, loving your enemy and allowing oneself to be crucified do not lend themselves to your immediate survival.   They do, however, lead to the evolution of the consciousness of the human race. They move the world toward love and peace, which ultimately lead to survival in an entirely different way.   They lead to a world where resources are protected, shared and nourished rather than fought over.  They lead to a world where the weak are not exploited and power is not the way to lead.  They lead to a world where violence is not met with violence. 

They lead to life that is not just survival, but is truly life and life to the full.   This vision is not about right and wrong, it’s not about sin or purity or any other religious legalism.  This vision is about creating a new world, one where god’s “will” is done on earth as it is in heaven. 

To comment, click on the title of this blog post “The Word Sin”

God as event

“Every moment is a portal through which the Messiah may enter” - Walter Benjamin

Using words like “god” and “church” can be problematic.    You might believe in god or not.  If you do believe in god, words are still difficult.  All words are metaphors for something.  Words become most difficult when we use them to describe something we cannot see.  Love, justice, fairness, equality are all examples of words we have that might mean vastly different things to different people.  When we use words as metaphors to describe the spiritual, we are wading in murky waters. 

As through a glass darkly

The word “god” is fraught.  What you think god is might be vastly different than the believer beside you.   If you do not believe in god, the very use of the word might conjure up ideas that you have decided to reject, and likely should reject.  This problem with the word “god” may at least partly be due to the fact that we start with a concept rather than an experience or a confrontation.   If we start with a concept of God, most will see god as the source of order in the universe.  But perhaps there is a different way of viewing the idea of god.  If we start with the idea of Christ – one who enters the world to disrupt our concepts - we start from an entirely different place.  In one sense, god may be the thing that maintains order, but necessarily god is also the thing that smashes our world apart.  God is the thing that holds things together and also the thing that breaks things open. 

The Hebrew words in Exodus 3:14 for “I AM THAT I AM” are ehyeh asher ehyeh which should more accurately be translated “I will be what I will be” which is also translated as “I shall be there howsoever I shall be there” or  “I will become whatsoever I may become.”  This expression in Exodus 3:14 is an idiom, an expression that has a meaning that cannot be understood by the individual words.  The name is about presence and fluidity.  Not a name that can be pinned down.  An active force.  A becoming.  Not a concept, but a confrontation.  More verb than noun.

So, believer in god or not, there is an ultimate reality behind the universe, an absolute nature of all things, an active becoming that contains both order and chaos.  And whether you define that reality as a personal being such as god, or an impersonal being such as the origin of being or being itself, or some kind of ultimate principal that governs the universe, that’s fine.  The principals are the thing, not the metaphors or words we use to describe them.   

A rose by any other name......

Theology conceptualizes god, revelation is an event. 

Creation is a revelation; a revelation of the ultimate reality of things, a revelation of god, a revelation of what IS.  Creation is also an incarnation.  It is the non-being becoming and evolving into being.  It is the ultimate reality becoming the present reality.  One might say it is god being incarnated from a non-physical thing into a physical thing.  Religion may speak of Jesus as the incarnation of God, but before Jesus, there was the universe.   It was god’s first incarnation, the first incarnation of the principals of ultimate reality.  And reality is being incarnated every moment of every day.

“Every moment is a portal through which the Messiah may enter”  -  Walter Benjamin

To comment click on the Title of this post (“God as Event”) above

Mottoes - Part 5 "To Make a friend...."

“To make a friend, be a friend”

When I was a kid, we moved around a lot. My dad was a football coach. It’s a lot like being an army brat. I moved every year from 8th grade through graduation. The first big move, after 7th grade was awful. I was painfully shy and didn’t have the faintest idea how to make a friend. I hid in bathrooms during lunch at school because I was too shy to figure out how to invite myself to sit at a table with people in the cafeteria. I hid in bathrooms after church because I didn’t know how to make conversation with kids I didn’t know. It was excruciating. My mom’s advice on how to make friends was this motto:

“To make a friend, be a friend”

It didn’t help me navigate lunch in the cafeteria or “fellowship” time after church. I still went that entire year without a single friend.

But actually, it’s pretty good advice overall and it has served me well over the course of a lifetime.

Yay mom.

Fertile soil

happiness is a tyrant

It has been my experience that the most fertile soil of my life was the shit.  The parts of life that I raged against and dreamed of escaping.  The trash, the refuse, the parts I wanted to throw out so I could get back to strength, peace, certainty, happiness and joy. 

I like to garden.  Here's how I "make" fertile soil:

1) compost - which is nothing more than putting all the rotting organic trash in a pile and letting it turn into soil. It does this pretty much without any help from me. The only part I play is knowing what to put in and what not to put in - and what I put in is DEAD material, rotten vegetable matter, leaves and such.  It's a great metaphor for life.  Just toss in your trash, your dead material and the stuff you absolutely can't stomach.  Toss in the trash that life hands you and let it do it's work. 

Voila!  Fertile soil.

2) Manure - aka shit.  On our little hobby farm, we shovel it and add it to the compost pile. Again, we don't really have to do anything, just collect it and shovel it in. Another great metaphor - take all the crap you create, all your filth that you are ashamed of and: 

Voila!  Fertile soil.

I'm not saying anything profound here or anything we all don't already know.  And yet, we are continually fighting and struggling to avoid the shit and get back to the "good" stuff.  We are looking for a way to avoid the darkness and get back to the light.  We are drinking and taking pills, and playing games, and going from one person to the next, and distracting ourselves with countless hours of Netflix in an attempt to avoid the struggle, forget the struggle, drown out the struggle and get back to the ease.   We are obsessed with happiness.  But happiness is a tyrant and a gaping maw that will never be satisfied.   It's so much more peaceful to just shovel the shit and work the soil.   

(to comment, click on the blog title "Fertile soil") 

It's my fault

The thing about blame is it lets us feel in control.

When things in life don’t go as planned – who’s to blame? 

Sometime we blame others and sometimes it’s warranted.  Sometimes we blame others and it’s really not. 

Sometimes we blame ourselves and it’s warranted.   Sometimes it is our fault.  We didn’t show up, we didn’t keep our promise, we didn’t put in the effort that was required. 

And sometimes it’s not our fault, but we blame ourselves anyway.   I’m not good enough, not loveable enough, not hard-working enough, not thin enough, not forceful enough, not gentle enough. 

It’s my fault. 

It’s funny how, even when we’re not to blame, we often still like to make it our fault. 

“If I had just ….”

“If I could only….”

“If I were more….”

“If I were less …….”

The thing about blame is it lets us feel in control.  If it’s my fault, I can fix it, change, control it, prevent it from happening the next time.  If it’s my fault, it’s not random, arbitrary and out of my control. 

I have spent a lot of wasted effort in my life trying to change things about myself or my situation in order to avoid pain.   I say wasted effort because many times I wasn’t to blame and all the gymnastics I did to try to fix the situation amounted to nothing.  At the end of the day, I can’t be anyone other than myself – nor can anyone else.  And that’s no one’s fault – it’s just the truth. 

We don’t like how the world just randomly hands us things – things we don’t want, things we never asked for, things that are painful, things we can’t control.  So whether it’s the fault of another person, whom we can’t control or there is no one and nothing to blame, we find we are out of control. 

We'd rather be at fault. 

(to comment, click on the blog title "It's my fault") 

PB & J Communion

Eucharist: late Middle English: from Old French eucariste, based on ecclesiastical Greek eukharistia ‘thanksgiving,’ from Greek eukharistos ‘grateful,’ from eu ‘well’ + kharizesthai ‘offer graciously’ (from kharis ‘grace’).

Over the past ten years, I’ve watched my dad slip away, one small, excruciating piece at a time.  At first it was little changes.  Before he started slipping away, he was always an obsessively neat and tidy person.  He would hang tools on the garage wall and ask me to outline the shapes of each tool with a marks-a-lot ( an old-school Sharpee) so that they would always be returned to the exact same spot each time. His sock drawer was immaculate; each pair rolled exactly the same, color coded from lightest to darkest.  One of the first changes I noticed in dad was that his garage wasn’t neat and tidy anymore.  Dad had always been fastidiously clean and then I noticed that sometimes he didn’t shower every day.   Dad was always a “fix-it” guy and a true handy-man, but suddenly he wasn’t fixing anything around the house.  Mom bought a new barbecue grill and he didn’t put it together for her.  I realized at some point that it wasn’t because he had lost interest, or become lazy, it was because he couldn’t anymore. 

He started falling frequently, and staying in bed all day.  He became incontinent and this very proud man didn’t seem embarrassed in the least when he would wet or soil himself. 

For the last 2 ½ years, he’s been in a nursing home- the final indignity.  He’s lost his mobility and his dementia gets worse by the day.  He is unable to communicate verbally anymore in any meaningful way.  He has a tough time bringing words to mind in order to complete a sentence. 

I grieve the loss of my dad a little at a time as there’s less and less each day of the dad I knew.  But behind the inabilities, vulnerabilities, and indignities he is going through, one thing endures.  My dad was always such a giving person.  If you needed something, he was there for you.  When my brother in law was burned in a house fire, dad flew up to northern Michigan and sat at my brother in law’s bedside, feeding him ice cream.    If you were moving, he was there to help.  When I went through my divorce, he was always coming into town to be with my kids while I went to night classes, went on business trips, tried to make a new life for myself.  He tiled a bathroom for me, built in a fourth bedroom for my son.  He was one of those people that truly enjoyed giving to others and being the hero.   He was my rock.  

And dad was a romantic.  He was the kind of man who bought my mom flowers and jewelry for special occasions, opened doors for her, and I hear he was a great dancer.  Now, he can’t dance or go out and buy her roses and diamonds, and a nursing home is about the least romantic place to spend time with your lover.  But,   every day, he orders a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the lunch room.  After his lunch, he takes the sandwich back to his room and waits for my mom to come for her visit.  When she comes to see him each day after lunch, he takes half the sandwich and gives her half.  Then together, as their lives and their 61 year love affair slip away; this beautiful couple share this bread, and jelly and peanut butter.  This is their daily eucharist, their holy communion.  It’s all he has left to give her. 

“This is my body”

And it’s beautiful.   

(to comment, click on the blog title "PB&J Communion") 

Mottoes - Part 4 "You can be anything you want to be"

...we miss both our own humanity and the humanity of others.  And we will miss the chance to extend grace.

My parents gave me and my siblings this motto so that we would feel confident and feel like the sky was the limit.  I gave it to my kids too.   If you can dream it, you can do it.  It’s the proverbial American dream.

The trouble with this motto is that it’s just not true.   It’s more true for some and less true for others, but it’s never wholly true for anyone.  I am a white, upper-middle class female.  My parents were college educated and gave me a college education.   I had more chance of this motto being true than most.

but still …. 

This motto tells us there are no limits, but no matter how much positive thinking we do, or how much faith we muster, no matter how much good energy we send into the universe, or how hard we work, there are limits.   

Financial limits, social limits, intellectual limits, physical limits. 

Limitations are important to acknowledge.  Limitations are the things in our lives that, if we pay attention, will teach us who we are.  They will teach us that we are human and do not have ultimate control.  Control is what this motto can become all about.  If we believe the motto that we can be whatever we want to be, and we don’t temper it with a healthy dose of reality, we can feel as though we are in control of our outcomes.  This type of control leads to blame.  We assign blame to ourselves and to others if our goals and expectations are not met.  Maybe we didn’t work hard enough, believe it enough, or stick with it long enough.  Maybe others didn’t either.  It allows us to take a short-cut and not really get to know ourselves or others.  Who are we really?  Where did we come from?  Where are we going?  What kinds of issues are we dealing with?  Without getting to know ourselves and others, we reduce the person to a formula rather than an individual.  The person becomes someone who just didn’t put forth the appropriate amount or type of effort, or didn’t have the right mentality, or faith or stamina.  And so, we miss both our own humanity and the humanity of others.  And we will miss the chance to extend grace.  Maybe the person who falls behind in school has a learning disability, or the person who has poor work attendance has a mental or physical illness.  Maybe that person who has put on weight is taking care of a disabled child and doesn’t have time to exercise, or maybe the person who can’t pay their rent lost their job and their savings paying for medical treatments.    

But sometimes it feels better to maintain the illusion of control.  We can get caught in the trap of working so hard to preserve the dream, that we don’t live the life we were meant to live.   The continued resolve to put forth more effort or believe more in order to gain the greener grass is the best distraction from doing the things we really CAN do and living our lives in the present. 

When my son was two or three, we were driving and he began to cry suddenly and inconsolably from his car seat in the back.  I asked him what was wrong and he said, “I’ll NEVER be a bird!!!”  I was confused at first, then realized that he had just realized that the "you can be anything you want to be" narrative I had given him just was not true.  No matter how hard he tried in life, he would never be a bird;

he would always be a human

But human is nice.  

(To comment, click on the Title of this blog post, "Mottoes, Part 4.  'You can be anything you want to be'"

Mottoes - part 3 "It can always be better"

The myth of enough is a gaping hole, consuming, eating away at all the good stuff and leaving behind the bones of discontent. 

I grew up raised by a football coach father with many wonderful qualities.  He loves his children and was a strong and reliable presence for us.  He is a man of strong will.  He is a man who pulled himself up by the bootstraps and who wanted to pass along to his children the wisdom that had allowed him to rise above his abusive upbringing by an alcoholic father and mentally ill mother. 

 One of the mottos he passed along was:

 “No matter how good a thing is, it can always be better.”   

 The problem with this life motto like is that it is true.

-no matter how good this relationship is, it could always improve

-no matter how thin I am, I could always be thinner

-no matter how I parent my children, I could always have done it better

-no matter how much I give, I can always give more

- no matter how good that meal was, I could have cooked the meat just five minutes less, or five minutes longer.

-no matter how lovely my home is, it can always be nicer, cleaner, more artful

-no matter how much I get done, I could have done more

-no matter how much I relaxed, I should have relaxed more

-no matter how spiritual I am, I could always go deeper

-no matter how good sex is, it can always be better

-no matter how well I’m doing at work, I can always achieve more

-no matter how good my job is, there’s likely something I love more,  that is more meaningful, more interesting, more fulfilling, or pays better

All true

All irrelevant. 

Nothing is ever good enough, perfect enough.  It can always be better.     YEP.

The myth of enough is a gaping hole, consuming, eating away at all the good stuff and leaving behind the bones of discontent.  It is the mouth with an insatiable appetite for more, More, MORE, MORE, MORE

How exhausting it is. 

Matthew 19:13-26 tells a story that contrasts the children to a rich man.

Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”  When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.

Children have no achievements with which to justify themselves.  Children don’t have it all “figured out” yet.  They are wonderfully unformed and unfinished.  They don’t know they are not perfect, because  perfect is not even on their radar yet.  And it is this very quality that makes them perfect.

Good and bad don’t enter their mind until society teaches them to judge and categorize and criticize.    They proudly display their imperfect crayon drawings on the refrigerator, they rejoice in the imperfect cakes they bake, they don’t even notice the messes they make, they think the off-key song they sing is beautiful and the uncoordinated dance they dance is wonderful.   They believe they are the most amazing person on the face of the earth and everything they create is beautiful – until someone tells them otherwise

Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”

“Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied, “ ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”

The rich man on the other hand thought he had it figured out.  He knew who was “good” (Jesus) and had pretty much achieved perfection as his religion defined it.   He had obeyed all the commandments. 

Jesus confronted his idea of goodness and perfection: 

GOODNESS

“Why do you ask me about what is good?”   Well, because you’re JESUS.   I mean if we can’t ask Jesus about what is good, then what hope is there?  How can we know what is good and what isn’t if we can’t ask Jesus himself!!!

“There is only one who is good” Jesus seems to be saying here – look, don’t be fooled, there is nothing you can do to achieve goodness.  No special knowledge I can give you that will help you to figure it all out.  Goodness  isn’t the goal. 

Then Jesus says, “If you want to enter LIFE, obey the commandments”.   

Notice he does NOT say, “if you want to be GOOD, obey the commandments. “ 

Moral and religious perfection, even if it could be achieved (which it cannot), does not make us GOOD.  It can help us to enter a way of life that is life-giving rather than destructive.  It cannot make us good.

PERFECTION

“Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.””

Jesus is showing here that perfection cannot be attained.  No matter how much we do – even if we do everything we think God has asked of us, we can always do more.  It’s never enough.   The richer we are – the more we have and the more we have it figured out – the harder it becomes. 

“Who then can be saved?”

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

I always read this wrong.  At first, I thought it was telling me that God would miraculously give me the strength to achieve goodness and perfection, then I thought it meant that I was part of a special forgiven group that were made good and perfect through God's forgiveness.  But now I believe that what it means is that God’s way out of this trap is Grace.  Not forgiveness, but Grace - we usually think the two are synonymous.  I'm talking about a grace that says no one is good and there is nothing you have to do.  Perfection isn’t attainable.  I'm talking about a grace that says we are already OK.  Already perfect in our imperfection.

In the Garden of Eden story the serpent comes to the woman and tells her that she is not good enough, not yet perfect.  She needs this special knowledge of good and evil and if she gets it she will be better than she is now.  She will be “like God” – perfect.  If only she could know what was good/what was evil/who was good/who was evil, perfection would be attainable!!! 

She falls for it.

We all fall for it.  

We fall from grace.

Grace is the state under which no one is good but God, and there is nothing you have to do.  Perfection isn’t even on the radar.

Peter Rollins in  “A Satanic Community”, calls any community that tells us we have to be something else or get somewhere else is a satanic community and is in league with “the devil.” Not satanic as in a literal dude with horns and a pitchfork.  Not satanic as in a literal snake in a tree.  Not satanic in any literal “being” sense.  But satanic in the sense that it is a voice of deception that leads you to a place of self-destructiveness and other-destructiveness.  Satanic in the sense that it leads you away from life and creativity. 

Wow. Think about church and what you’ve been told in church!

The spiritual task is to exorcise this voice and the  technology we use to exercise this voice is Grace.  Grace is the idea that you’re accepted as-is.  To experience Grace is to experience the idea that you are accepted for who you are and to accept this acceptance.  It isn’t about saying we will give you a second chance to get to your ideal.  It’s about saying there is no ideal you need to get to – you’re fine the way you are.  Or rather, you’re not fine the way you are and that’s OK. 

Ironically, it’s actually the experience of not having to strive for some ideal that helps transformation take place.  It’s like quicksand, the more me move and the more we strive, the deeper we sink.  It’s only when we stop that we stop sinking.  It’s THEN that transformation happens. 

In the state of grace, the motto changes from

“no matter how good a thing is, it can always be better”

to

“don’t try to move from grace in order to perfect yourself”

Under Grace we are already OK.

Perfect in our imperfection.

No improvement required.

As –is

Enough.

(To comment click at the top on the title of this post - "Mottos - Part 3 "It can always be better"

Mottoes - Part 2 "The Cow"

"No one will buy the cow if the milk's for free"

This motto was passed along to me by my mother.  I'm sure she was well meaning.   It’s a motto a lot of mothers of her generation passed along to their daughters. 

Here’s what the motto communicates:

“If you give sex away before marriage, no one will want to marry you."

Or in other words:

"The only thing that makes you worth having is what's between your legs." 

This motto is about two things; being a sex object and using sex as a means of power and control.  

In my upbringing, religion often echoed this motto.  Religion tells girls that if you are not a virgin on your wedding night, you are damaged goods (a damaged object), soiled ( a soiled object), less than perfect (objects can and must be perfect), less desirable (than the perfect, unsoiled object),

less than.

Not only does this motto teach a girl that she is only desirable because of sex and is not much more than a  sex object, but sex  in this cow scenario is not about love and intimacy but about control.  This motto says that I can (and should) control a man through the withholding of sex. 

Holy cow.

(To comment click at the top on the title of this post - "Mottos - Part 2 "The Cow")