The COVID log

This is about all of us. And love.

I got COVID.

Fully Vaccinated.

Since my vaccine, and the lifting of mask restrictions I’ve been going out unmasked.

Breakthrough cases have been on the rise. I know this. And still, I was going out unmasked.

I have no romantic delusions about the vaccine.

I have been in pharmaceutical research for twenty years, and I realize that no drug, no vaccine, no treatment is completely safe or completely effective but rather every aspect of modern medicine is based on a risk/benefit ratio. I opted to take the vaccine. I have had no adverse effects from it thus far. But make no mistake, it is still experimental and I know this. I am fully aware I’m a volunteer for this experiment and I took it on with eyes wide open. I am a scientist and I believe in experiments. None of the advances we have in medicine would have occurred without them. Lives are saved, suffering is alleviated thanks to experiments. And also, experiments fail and people have bad experiences. That’s how it works.

Last month I traveled to my daughter's wedding unmasked. No problem. Successful experiment.

Last week I got out in public on a girl's trip. Unmasked. All friends fully vaccinated. All dining was socially distanced and/or outdoors. We floated the river - not crowded.

We stopped at Buccees on the way home (if you’ve never heard it - google it - it’s an obscene Texas phenomenon) . It was packed. I was unmasked.

That day, I traveled to Vegas to visit my mom and attend a work conference. I was fully masked while traveling. Stayed at my brother's home for three days.

Two days after arriving, I had a scratchy throat.

Next day, congestion. Then some achiness. No breathing problems, no loss of taste or smell, no fever.

The day I checked into the conference I got a COVID test so that I could reassure my coworkers that my congestion was not COVID.

It was. Experiment failed.

So, I've exposed my brother and his husband (thankfully both vaccinated). Thank god I could only do a window visit with my mom, so I haven't exposed her.

I'm quarantining in a hotel in Vegas for the next ten days and am happy to do so to avoid exposing anyone else.

My symptoms are mild and already abating after 72 hours. Successful experiment?

My belief? My mild symptoms and quick recovery were thanks to the vaccine.

But, if I were still wearing a mask in public settings, I might not have gotten it and might have avoided the possibility of exposure of my loved ones.

Not for sure. Not a guarantee. There are no guarantees in life. No control. Just guesses. Life is just a lot of calculated risks and guesses. Like experiments.

The thing is - I CHOSE not to wear a mask. Because I (emphasis on the I) am vaccinated. It was those OTHER unvaccinated guys that should still wear them. Log in my eye.

The other thing is, I don't mind wearing a mask. It's an easy thing to do -- low-to-no risk and high chance of benefit. And it could possibly save someone's life. I know this and I still chose not to wear one. Log in my eye.

In this whole log/speck world of vaccines and mask wearing, this isn't about me. This isn't about "thank god I am vaccinated and don’t have to wear a mask anymore” or “thank god I’m vaccinated and if I get it I probably won’t end up hospitalized”

And this isn’t about them, “those guys should do the right thing and get vaccinated or at least wear masks”

This is about all of us. And love.

And an important component of enacting love is to keep the focus on the log in your own eye.

I know it says, “then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck from your brothers eye,” but I wonder if, when we take the log out we will see that the other guy isn’t an asshole, but maybe is just scared. Maybe we would see our judgement and hypocrisy clearly and no longer feel compelled to address all those specks. Imagine a world where everyone lived this way.

And for me, I know that no harm can come from a mask. So, rather than walking around with a log, I think I’ll walk around with a mask instead.

Love one another.

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The Monster

God is in our monsters and our demons

I was talking to a friend about freedom and grace the other day. In her spiritual journey, she is moving out of law. She is doing what folks like to call, “deconstructing” .

As we talked it became obvious that she is afraid. Afraid that if she removes all the rules, she will self destruct.

You see, she has been told she was bad.

That’s what religion tells us.

And she’s done things in her past that she regrets. So, the “bad person” narrative was validated.

She’s afraid of this bad person inside her. This “sinner.” This monster.

This monster has been caged and subdued for years by her religious beliefs and rule systems. And she is afraid of grace because if she strips away the rules, the monster will be set free.

But what if the monster is god?

If there is such a thing as god, most folks - atheists and believers alike agree that god must be that which is infinite.

Which means there is nothing god is not and nowhere god is not.

God is in light, and love and beauty.

God is in darkness, and apathy and ugliness.

God is in our monsters and our demons.

The picture I chose for this post is a monster that was found in Borneo. No one knew what it was. They put it in a cage because they were afraid of it. It was wild and tried to chew and claw its way out of the cage. The image and story went viral. Finally, there were those who recognized this monster was just a bear that was sick with an illness that had caused it to lose its hair and look grotesque.

We are like that.

We encounter pain and suffering and it makes us sick. We lash out and act in monstrous ways. We look scary and grotesque to ourselves and to others. Our impulse is to cage that monster, to tame that monster. With laws, with religion, with dogmas and rules to follow and deeds to do. We can’t see the pain behind the monster. We can’t see that the monster is no monster at all. Just a lovely, suffering creature that needs food and nourishment, love and healing.

One of the metaphors of the crucifixion is that god is not separate from suffering.

God is the monster.

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Freedom - we hate it

The freer the world becomes, the more anxious it becomes. 

We hate it.

We are terrified of it.

Oh sure, we say we love it.  As Americans it is our thing.  The land of the free, the home of the brave. 

But we AREN’T brave in the face of freedom. 

What we love is rules. 

Rules keep us safe.

Rules keep the other guy from running the red light and killing us.

Rules keep charlatans from selling us poison marketed as a cure.

Rules keep strangers from entering our homes and taking our possessions. 

Or at least in theory. 

We don’t want complete freedom.

Freedom is anarchy and we don’t want that. 

We only want freedom to the extent that it means that we are free to create a set of rules to live by.  We don’t want OTHER people to make the rules.  That’s a dictatorship. 

Like a teenager that can’t wait to get out from under his parent’s rules. WE want to make the rules. WE want the control. That feels like freedom.

But of course, that’s not really freedom for anyone else.

The trouble lies in creating a world that is equally free for everyone.

The trouble comes when we can’t agree on the rules. 

If the rule we like is a rule that says no one can kill another person, we want the freedom to live by that rule and to enforce that rule upon others.  This helps us feel our world is a safe place. 

If the rule we like is a rule that says that no one can kill an unborn child, we want the freedom to live by that rule and to enforce that rule upon others.  This helps us feel our world is a safe place.   

If the rule is that this war is a just war, we want the freedom to fight it so that our enemy does not overtake us.  It helps us feel that our world is a safe place. 

If the rule we like is a rule that says that everyone should be vaccinated, we want the freedom to live by that rule and to enforce that rule upon others.  This helps us feel out world is a safe place. 

Rules will keep us from being killed.  Rules will define what exactly killing IS, when it’s murder and when it’s not.  Rules will help us feel that the other guy has to take me and my loved ones into consideration when making his choices.  His freedom is not absolute. 

But what if we feel UNSAFE because of a rule that makes someone else feel safe? 

What if I feel unsafe in a world where abortion is illegal?  What if I feel unsafe taking a vaccine?  What if I feel unsafe in a world where my child could encounter unvaccinated children?  What if I feel unsafe in a world where my child might go to war? 

In situation after situation, freedoms that make you feel safe, will make me feel unsafe. 

So…. we don’t really love freedom.   

We love rules. 

Freedom creates chaos and chaos creates anxiety. 

The freer the world becomes, the more anxious it becomes. 

Anxiety is the evidence that I am free and don’t know how to be free or how to let others be free. 

What should I do with my life?   The choices are endless because I am free.

Who should I marry?   The choices are endless because I am free.

What is my purpose?   The choices are endless because I am free.

What if screw it up? 

What if, my loved one, because she is free, leaves me?

What if my neighbor, because he is free, kills me?

What if, because I live in a democracy, my government enforces taxes upon me? 

What if those taxes fund wars?  Abortions?  Big pharma?  Big oil? 

What if our freedom leads to the destruction of the planet?

What if……

Freedom is nothing more than an infinite set of what ifs. 

We like rules.   

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Contradictions

Yes and no, here and there, light and darkness, existence and non-existence all exist simultaneously in all things.

I have a friend with whom I share some similarities.  We are both pursuing a contemplative life.  We both love wonder and mystery.  We both love the spiritual. 

This friend and I have differences.  She is emotionally based, I am logical.  She is politically conservative.  I’m liberal. 

Labels.  Labels that could easily draw us together or move us apart. 

There have been times, when the differences came out in conversations and she felt othered by them. She has a real desire for unity.

 I would say to her that if unity is only found in similarity, it is not that valuable.  Love is only truly miraculous when it exists between people who are different and who can’t see eye to eye. 

“This is what God, the universe does. God gives the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless if they are good and bad, nice or nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, who think like you or act in ways you find acceptable or loveable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, or are kind to you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill person does that.

In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. If you are spiritual, live like it. Live with a God-identity.  Live generously and graciously toward others, the way the ultimate reality lives toward you.” Matthew 5:46-48 (paraphrased from The Message)

It seemed to me that when I reassured her in this way, she found comfort in it.

It came up again recently in a conversation we had.  This unity in the midst of diversity. 

She grew up on a farm and we spoke of monocultures in nature.  How a monoculture will necessarily require all kinds of poisons and toxins to stay alive and ultimately will deplete the soil.  Sameness leads to death.  Diversity leads to life. 

Then, almost in the next breath, our conversation took a turn that challenged me.

She told me about an organization she is getting involved in.  I went home and read about how it was shot through with conspiracy theories and was pro-Trump.  I noticed that what rose up in me was rejection…and questions.   How could she be authentically spiritual and be involved in such a thing?  I was face to face with a contradiction.   I know she is a loving and caring person.  I know she is deeply spiritual and her spiritual pursuits are genuine.  How could both co-exist? How could I reconcile my feelings about it?

I was reminded that all of reality is a contradiction.  Contradiction is at the very core of reality.  Or, to put it another way, at the core of God.  Perhaps this is one of the revelations in the crucifixion when Christ cries out, “my god, my god, why have you forsaken me?” 

This line from the crucifixion is, in some ways nonsense.  How could god forsake himself?

How could god cease to be at one with himself? 

Oh sure, atonement theologies have attempted to explain this by saying that God is light and in him is no darkness, so when Jesus took on the sins of the world, god had to turn away.  But honestly, this kind of theology breaks down under any type of real scrutiny.  If god is all powerful, god could, in fact do anything god wants.  God could forgive without sacrifice.  God could look upon sin without being defiled. God could have done the whole atonement thing any way god so chose. 

And so, my conclusion has been that the crucifixion is not an event that led to forgiveness, but is a revelation of the very nature of reality itself.  And if you want to give a name to reality – a revelation of god. 

You see, the contradiction is internal.  Not between things, but within things.  All things.  All reality. Physicists will tell you this.  Mathematicians.  Biologists.   But theology has not embraced the contradiction.

Religion has told us that the problem is that we are separate from God.  How could this be? If god is infinite, there is no place where god is not. If god is through all things and in all things and in god all things are held together (Colossians 1:17), then there is no way to be separate from god.

If this is true, then it brings up all questions about evil and suffering.

But reality reveals to us that within all things there is contradiction. Yes and no, here and there, light and darkness, existence and non-existence all exist simultaneously in all things.

This is god.

Forsaking god’s self.

So, the problem with separation is not so much between things as within things. It is not really about the fact that things have forsaken one another, but in fact, that they have forsaken themselves.

Your very body is killing itself every second, all the time.

Creation is doing the same.

Particles are both here and there at the same time. Both one thing and another. Always forsaking the very definition of their existence and what they even are.

So, you see, I am not separate from god, or from reality.  I am separate from myself.  Inside me is a not-at-oneness that I cannot reconcile.  So, I try to project it outward.  If I project it on god, it can’t be his fault, so I must conclude that I am the problem.  If I project it onto others, it’s easier:  THEY are the problem. 

But the revelation is that God (or ultimate reality) contains the separation within god’s self. 

Nothing is at one with itself.  And this is OK.  This is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be seen and accepted. 

And so, with this friend… the separation is not so much that her ideology is different than mine (and to be honest, offensive to my sensibilities), but is about the contradiction I feel within myself when confronted with it.  The fact that I feel the need to be the same in order to feel love and unity, rather than being able to love in the midst of difference.  

This is the message of grace.  To accept and love oneself, one’s neighbor, one’s enemy BEFORE they change.  BEFORE there is unity.  It seems to me that this is the only way to peace.  Peace in the midst of differences and contradiction.  Not peace through unity. 

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Remember

They are alive poems

Remember the sky that you were born under,
know each of the star's stories.
Remember the moon, know who she is.
Remember the sun's birth at dawn, that is the
strongest point of time. Remember sundown
and the giving away to night.
Remember your birth, how your mother struggled
to give you form and breath. You are evidence of
her life, and her mother's, and hers.
Remember your father. He is your life, also.
Remember the earth whose skin you are:
red earth, black earth, yellow earth, white earth
brown earth, we are earth.
Remember the plants, trees, animal life who all have their
tribes, their families, their histories, too. Talk to them,
listen to them. They are alive poems.
Remember the wind. Remember her voice. She knows the
origin of this universe.
Remember you are all people and all people
are you.
Remember you are this universe and this
universe is you.
Remember all is in motion, is growing, is you.
Remember language comes from this.
Remember the dance language is, that life is.
Remember.

- Joy Harjo, Poet Laureate

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End game

Rejection of the accepted end game brings into question the very nature of creation and what it means to be a creator.

The creative forces of the universe have no end game. Evolution isn’t an intelligence that sits around thinking about what it will evolve into. It’s just the randomness that allows an organism to respond to change and thus survive.

It’s the same with us.

We can spend all the time we like making plans for our lives: what we will do, who we will be, how it will go. But chaos enters. Things happen that we couldn’t have imagined.

And we adapt.

We change.

We grow.

In fact, it is often our end game that gets in the way of growth. We are so stuck on what we wanted, we can’t see the other possibilities.

It’s like shopping for a dress when you already have an image of the perfect dress you are looking for. You never find that dress and you always end up disappointed with what you have. But when you’re out there looking with no particular thing in mind, just looking with an open mind, you will find it.

It’s like art. When art was locked into an end game and it was supposed to be realistic and look like the thing that was being painted, art changed very little for centuries. Then, art broke free of the end game. Impressionism, Surrealism, and the dada movement rejected the prevailing logic, reason and aestheticism of art altogether and embraced nonsense and irrationality. This rejection of the accepted end game brought into question the very nature of creation and what it means to be a creator. It also opened up space for an entirely new kind of thing.

It’s the same with life.

https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20170410-the-urinal-that-changed-how-we-think

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Beauty

beauty is nothing
but the beginning of terror

“Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the angels'
hierarchies?

and even if one of them pressed me against his heart:

I would be consumed in that overwhelming existence.

For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror,

which we still are just able to endure,

and we are so awed because it serenely disdains
to annihilate us.

Every angel is terrifying.”

-Rilke

(Image artist - Alex Grey)

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Questioner

We set aside the compelling desire to be a problem-solver in order to support the other person.

By asking questions we provide another person an opportunity to gain access to their inner wisdom.

We set aside the compelling desire to be a problem-solver in order to support the other person in this counter-cultural way.

An open, honest question is a question with “no answer”: it freely invites any response. In other words, the questioner could not possibly anticipate the answer to it and is not trying to “get at something.”

When is the last time you asked a loved one a question like this:

What surprises you?

What moves or touches you about this?

What inspires you?

What was easy?

What was hard?

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Listener

Listen intently

Listen deeply. When is the last time you listened without thinking ahead to formulate your next response?

Listen intently and without interruption to what is said. When is the last time you listened without interrupting?

Listen to the feelings beneath the words and to what resonates with you. When is the last time you listened for the emotional content in yourself and the other person, rather than taking the words at face value?

Listen to yourself also. Do you listen to yourself and how you are feeling about what is being said? Is your response to the content of what’s being said, or are you able to share your emotional responses?

Try to achieve a balance of listening, reflecting, and speaking.

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All things hold together - Paraphrase

The Christ consciousness resurrects us and shows us that life is created from death

The Christ consciousness was paramount in the beginning and is the creative force. All things are created by this consciousness. All things hold together with this consciousness. All the fullness of creation rests in this consciousness. and is reconciled into oneness through it. The Christ consciousness resurrects us and shows us that life is created from death. All the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe - people and things, animals and atoms - get properly fitted together in peace and vibrant harmonies. Colossians 1:15-20

(Paraphrase is a combination of “The Message” and my own paraphrase)

To comment, click on the header “All Things Hold Together - Paraphrase”

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