The unredeemed

I was trying to redeem something

In my first marriage, it was bad for years before I left.  Sometimes I wonder why I stayed as long as I did.  I stayed for a lot of reasons:  love – I married young to my first love; religious legalism - I didn’t have “scriptural” grounds for divorce; obligation; sheer stubbornness; and at least in part....

 I was trying to redeem something. 

I married young - way too young.  I was eighteen and he was twenty.  People tried to talk us out of it.  People tried to tell me we were too young.  People tried to tell me he was too damaged.  People tried to tell me I’d damage him further.  People tried to tell me if he really loved me, he’d wait for me until I was older. 

I didn’t listen - did I mention I was stubborn?

He was my first real passion.  We were socked into religious legalism and fundamentalism.  We had the fanaticism of youth.  We teamed up and looked out at the world with through us-vs-them glasses.  What did the world know about our love?  What did those non-committed, lukewarm, so-called Christians know about commitment and real, true, sold-out Christianity?  It was better to marry than to burn with passion.....so we did.

I knew pretty soon afterward it had been a mistake.

I set out to fix it.

I knew I could.

Save it.  

Make it right. 

Redeem it.

This redemption would prove I had not made a mistake.  It would allow me to live with the consequences of my choice (you know - “you made your bed, so now lie in it”).  It would restore my belief I could heal this brilliant and broken soul I loved and had married. 

After years went by, I needed to redeem the tremendous investment of time and effort that I had put into it all. 

I had poured my whole life into this relationship.  I had grown up with this person.  I had been through creating children with this person.  I had poured all my hopes and dreams into the marriage and our family.  I had lost my very self.  I definitely had to redeem that. 

Sixteen years went by, and still ……..I had redeemed nothing. 

Then, as you might be able to predict, I had the "religious excuse” to leave  - adultery.   But it still it took me two years to decide to leave.  

How could I leave it unredeemed?  All that effort?  All those years? My very self? 

Two years later when it was all over I learned the truth of this:

 “Whoever tries to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will save it”

In trying to “save” and “redeem” something, I lost it anyway.  And I lost myself in the process. 

We all do it.  We spent countless years and dollars on a degree, so we slog away at a job we hate.  We spent lots of money on a car or a house that we really can’t afford, so we enslave ourselves to those payments and maintenance to redeem that investment.  We stay with a church or a charitable endeavor that we have lost passion for, because we gave years of our lives to that cause and we wouldn’t know how to create meaning in our lives without it. We took a hard stand on a moral or social position, so we maintain it to save face even though we don’t believe it anymore. 

We waste our lives trying to save it all – the money, the investment, the job, the pride. 

But… maybe….we just can’t do it.  We just can’t save it, or them, or us, or anything. 

Throw in the towel.

Throw away the oars.

Let it go. 

Leave it unredeemed.

We might just find redemption.

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Jargon

An acquaintance of mine recently remarked on the fact that he was having difficulty approaching a conversation with some family members who were concerned about the direction his life was taking.  They were “praying for him”.   He was put off by their “Christianese” (as he called it).  To him, it didn’t feel like a comforting or caring sentiment, but more like an accusation. 

These family members may have intended their sentiment “I’ll be praying for you” to sound sweet and caring.  But it felt like an affront. It felt condescending and exclusionary. I know nothing about their intent, maybe they truly loved and cared for him, maybe they felt superior and self-righteous.  Who knows?  They obviously felt he needed praying-for, which led him to feel judged, not loved.   “I’ll be praying for you” did not express caring as they may have hoped, but rather it set up an “us” vs. “you” dynamic.

I think this was in part due to the “Christianese”. 

The jargon.

Jargon very quickly and naturally becomes a part of the persona we develop without  even thinking about it.   

Jargon does two things: 

1. It binds together.  It identifies us as a group. We all speak this way/use this lingo, therefore we are all part of this group.

2. It separates. You do not speak this way, or understand this lingo, therefore you are NOT a part of this group.

And because it serves as a means of separating groups, it becomes its own type of violence in communication – regardless of intent.

And whether we admit it or not, that subtle act of violence makes us feel good.  It contributes to a sense of belonging, special-ness, or superiority of some type.  Perhaps it means we are more spiritual, more hip, more educated, tougher, younger.   

It’s power. 

We participate in our jargon to demonstrate we are part of the "in group". And we use it to identify who is part of our group and who we can exclude as the "out group"

It’s hard not to slip into your jargon.  I kind of love it when one of my Canadian-isms slips out.  I like my Canadian past and like being identified with it.  It makes me feel unique.  I also like to use terms like “PRN” and “QD” when I’m in doctor’s offices, so they will take me more seriously.   I hate business jargon, probably because I don’t really identify with my job and don’t want to be identified as one of those “corporate types”.   But I work with many who love the corporate jargon.  They love to “drill down” and “take a deep dive”. Biologists love to drop an “aptosis” or an “eutrophication” out there.  Bible scholars love their exegesis and hermeneutics and philosophers love to discuss epistemological and ontological matters.    

Religious jargon

Teen jargon

Academic jargon

Medical jargon

Intellectual jargon

Political jargon

Liberal jargon

Conservative jargon

It builds walls.   

If words exist:

to communicate,

to bring people together,

to build bridges…

Then the goal should be to make them as relate-able as possible.

Easily understood. 

Inclusive.

 Non-violent.

Words matter.

Not only is this true for "those Christians who use that Christianese" but also for intellectuals who use their big words, for adults when they speak to kids, for biologists when they speak to non-biologists, for persons from one country when they speak to persons from another, for doctors when they speak to patients...

Word.  ;)

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Mercy not sacrifice

  "But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice'" 

 When I first latched onto this as my favorite verse, it was because Jesus starts the sentence by saying “but go and learn what this means.”   This implies that we don’t know, and we won’t know, and that we will have to spend some time figuring it out.  I like a good challenge.

 And I've found that it's the truth.   I don't know and I’m still trying to figure it out. 

Amongst followers of Jesus, and socially conscious persons, and in-general-do-gooder-types, there is this pervasive sense that if we are not sacrificing, we are failing in some fundamental way.  For the Jesus-types, we are not “picking up our cross daily”.  For the others we are not practicing a high enough level of social consciousness and should be sacrificing more for the cause. 

 But maybe we've got that all wrong. 

We must have made it into something it's not because Jesus is saying he does NOT desire sacrifice. Therefore:

Sacrifice is NOT what “picking up your cross” means. 

Sacrifice is NOT what following Jesus means. 

 Then what IS IT? 

 Mercy

 Sacrifice is hard sometimes, but it’s not nearly as hard as mercy.   I can make a sacrifice even when my heart’s not in it and I don’t want to.  I can make a sacrifice simply out of obligation or guilt or legalism.  I can make a sacrifice through gritted teeth and clenched fists.  I can make a sacrifice for recognition, or glory or honor.

But mercy. Mercy cuts through a lot of bullshit.   Try summoning up mercy by sheer willpower, through a clenched fist or gritted teeth, or simply because it’s the “right” thing to do.   

Your heart has to actually be in mercy. 

You kind of have to work through stuff in your own heart to get to mercy. 

To live mercy, you have to know what you feel, what you’re angry about, and what you want.   

 When I was 28 a therapist told me to spend two weeks doing nothing out of obligation, but doing only those things I WANTED to do.  Everyone should do this exercise -maybe periodically throughout their lives.  It sounds selfish, but it was transformational.  (Keep in mind this happened to me 25 years ago, so I'm not kidding when I said that I'm still trying to figure out mercy not sacrifice).

 At first this "do what you want" thing is just a free-for-all in self-indulgence and it’s kind of fun when you have been given permission by a mental health professional. 

 After a time, you begin to realize that many of the things you are not doing because you thought you didn’t like doing them, you actually WANT to do after all.  You also realize many things you were fantasizing about doing, you actually don’t want to do. 

In a nutshell, by practicing a time of grace, you learn your truth in ways that you will never learn it when obligation and legalism are in play. 

 You can even just play the game in your head.  In some ways it’s what we are doing when we think about what we’d do if we won the lottery.  We are playing a thought experiment with Grace.  If there were no financial limitations to my life – who would I be?  What would my values be?     It’s a great exercise in self-awareness. 

 Let yourself play out grace fantasies and see what you learn.   Go shopping and tell yourself you have all the money in the world and can buy anything you want.   What do you observe about what you really want if all limitations are removed?   Imagine yourself just walking away from the situation that you feel trapped in right now.  What do you observe about that feeling of leaving it?  Imagine getting the thing you fantasize about -the house, the car, the girl, the guy, the sex, the food, the body, the vacation, the alcohol, the drugs, whatever; play the fantasy out all the way.  Is it what you really want? 

 Grace uncovers truth.

 Truth is the only way we can get to mercy.  

 Obligation and sacrifice can blind us so that we don’t know what we feel, what we want, or who we are.  We can only see what “should” be done, or what “must” be done.  We can only see the sacrifice that is needed. 

 We can give to someone that we hate, that we are angry with, or that we feel nothing for and still feel good about ourselves. 

 “Therefore if you are offering your gift and remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and be reconciled to them, then come and offer your gift.”

 First mercy. 

 Then sacrifice. 

 A friend of mine recently left a situation where she was ministering to people in the inner city.  She felt bad about “abandoning” those people who needed her. 

 But, perhaps when we give to people out of a sense of sacrifice and obligation – perhaps this is when we have truly abandoned them.  The connection and intimacy is gone.  They are reduced to objects and recipients.

 You know how it feels when you are the recipient of someone's sacrifice?  They roll their eyes, or sigh heavily? You want to just shout out, “forget it!!  I’ll do it myself!!  Don’t put yourself out!!!” 

 You know how it feels with that person who is always giving, giving, giving and loves being the martyr?

 You know how it feels in bed, when sex is given out of obligation?

 You feel empty. 

 Disconnected

Objectified. 

Abandoned. 

Abandoned by the passions of the giver. 

 Maybe this is why children stay away from the put-upon parent.  Maybe this is why couples stop working as a team because it’s just not worth having to ask and getting the feeling you are asking too much.   Maybe that is why long-term marriages grow cold.  Not because they are bored with each other and need more adventure and playfulness in the bedroom, but because they have adopted the idea that because they are married, sexuality is an obligation rather than a gift. 

 Sacrifice instead of mercy. 

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Deconstruction

No one told us that if we deconstructed our theories in physics we would be cast into a lake of fire. 

People often label their experience of coming out of a set of beliefs as deconstruction. 

I have a difficult time with the term deconstruction. 

Words matter. 

The words we give our children to explain their feelings, and the words we speak to ourselves have tremendous power over whether we experience things as positive, negative or neutral. 

 “anxious and nervous”  vs. “eager and excited”

“bored and lonely”  vs.  “calm and peaceful”

“Stage fright or performance anxiety”  vs.  “ excitement and adrenaline”

Words matter. 

They can define what we feel, even when the physical experience or emotional experience is the same.

Language shapes us.  

I’ve never felt like my spiritual journey involved a “deconstruction”.  I’ve always felt it was just an adventure.  Just  learning, revising,  letting go, learning differently, revising, letting go, learning more, revising further, letting go. 

Either way, it’s the same process and the same life experience. 

But somehow “deconstruction” feels scary and negative.  Adventure feels fun and exciting.      

Like all of life really. 

Deconstruction or adventure?

In other areas of knowledge and exploration (art, science, technology, even in relationships), we seem more able to welcome changes, shifts, and discoveries as positive progress, but in religion it gets framed as de-construction, or even heresy.

Of course no one taught us that if we got our art wrong we were going to hell.  No one told us that if we deconstructed our theories in physics we would be cast into a lake of fire.  No one told us that if we came up with new software, new types of music, new types of poetry, or new styles of writing we were a heretic and our souls were in danger.

How we experience growth spiritually has much to do with our idea of God.

If God is wrathful, and punishing, it will be very important to know what’s right and GET IT RIGHT!  And, if we deconstruct one set of dogmas because they were incorrect, we will feel like we need to reconstruct a new set.  Better, improved, more enlightened, more correct.  We will likely be stuck with dogmas for life, even if it is an ever-changing set.

If God is love and grace and the creative force behind infinite possibilities.  If God is NOT about our knowledge of good and evil but rather the space within which we make all the mistakes and misunderstandings we will experience in our adventure in this world:

Our growth and evolution just might feel positive and not at all like a deconstruction.

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Guns and Roses

I just finished work and finished a post about Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s day and opened facebook to discover that we’ve had yet another school shooting in our country.

On Valentines day.

I don’t have any words.  No great words of wisdom or fabulous spiritual reflections on this. 

We are a society steeped in violence.  Our speech is violent, our streets are violent, our playgrounds are violent, our homes are violent, our corporations are violent, our sports are violent, our economics are violent, our politics are violent. 

World dominance and super-power status is the goal.

Power and control is king.

…. and kids get shot at school. 

Regardless of all the twists and turns my spiritual path has taken, I keep returning to Jesus.  The prince of peace.  A man who taught non-violence.  Who taught us to love our enemies, to turn the other cheek.  A man who taught us that if we are asked for our coat, to give our shirt also and if we are asked to walk one mile, walk two.  A man who said that power comes from serving others and joy comes through suffering.

A man whose example was to die rather than to meet violence with violence. 

That’s the kind of god I believe in. 

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Happy Valashentine Wednesday

It’s Ash Wednesday  …. And Valentine’s day

Ashes and chocolate. 

Love and repentance. 

Disclaimer:  I grew up low church.  We didn’t do Ash Wednesday.  We really had no liturgy of any kind other than three songs and a prayer-communion-collection- sermon- song-prayer.  So my knowledge of Ash Wednesday was pretty much that it is the beginning of Lent, and that the ashes signify repentance (as in “repent in sackcloth and ashes”).  So my disclaimer is that  because of my seriously limited knowledge of what Ash Wednesday is all about, and the fact I’ve never participated in it, lots of this information – which I got from the internet – could be highly inaccurate or just simply bullshit.   (Can I use the word bullshit in a post about Ash Wednesday?  Maybe I’ll have to repent of that.)

Either way here’s some stuff I learned and some thoughts about today:

First of all, I love that it comes right after carnivale - a huge period of indulgence culminating in Mardi Gras.    Just because that's some truth about human nature right there. 

I read that when the ashes are put on your forehead the minister or priest often says, "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."    I kind of love that.  It’s way better than some statement about the sins I’m repenting of.  Instead of some statement of guilt, it’s a statement of my humanity.  And honestly, can’t we just do away with the guilt-baggage around the idea of “sin”?  I mean if “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” isn’t that just basically saying  “hey guys, you’re all human and you aren’t God” ? 

That we are all just dust? 

I read there is “Ashes to Go” program in which clergy go outside of their churches to public places, such as downtowns, sidewalks and train stations, to distribute ashes to passersby, even to people waiting in their cars for a stoplight to change.   So, if the ashes are a declaration of our imperfection and our humanity, I like that we can declare our humanity while waiting at a stoplight.  It seems about right. 

I learned that the Catholic Church does not exclude from placing of ashes on the head, those who are not Catholics, those who are not baptized, and even those who have been excommunicated from receiving the ashes.    That’s cool. 

Since we are all dust. 

I learned that in the Republic of Ireland, Ash Wednesday is National No Smoking Day.They decided on this date so that quitting smoking can tie into giving up a luxury for Lent.  That seems fitting.  Give up your ashes on ash Wednesday.

As far as Valentine’s day goes, I’m really not a fan.  It seems to put a lot of pressure on people to come up with just the right romantic gesture.

This often ends in ashes.  

Unless you're my husband - who even when he's sick in bed with Type A flu and can't get out to buy a valentine comes through with this gem.  A definite valentine's WIN in my book

Love is tough that way.   I can put forth my very best effort to show love to my loved ones, but it will usually fall short.   In the end, they have to give me grace.  They have to give me and my love the benefit of the doubt.  They have to have faith in me – that I love them, because I suck at expressing it perfectly. 

So maybe the fact that Valentine’s Day falls on Ash Wednesday is the perfect duo.   I mean, since we are human and all of our attempts to love and to express love will come out imperfect.   Since we are

just dust. 

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I tried to contain myself but I escaped

When i was going through my divorce, I saw someone wearing a T shirt with the Gary Paulsen quote, "I tried to contain myself but I escaped."   That was the T shirt I needed.

I had tried for years to be the person my first husband wanted me to be, the woman my religion wanted me to be,  the person God wanted me to be. 

In the end, I just ended up being false.  To myself and to others.  And eventually I just couldn't keep it up. Turns out religion and my first husband couldn't contain me.  And god sure didn't want to. 

I escaped.

We can try to apply our judgments and dualisms to people, however they will refuse to be contained. 

They will continually defy our categorizations. 

The “bad” person will do good and surprise us. 

The “good” person will do evil and surprise us. 

We will find ourselves trying to control others so as not to be surprised, disappointed, hurt, abandoned or deceived.  

Or, we will exit relationships, one after another so as to avoid that type of uncertainty. 

Grace that says that a human being can’t really be dealt with in this way.  Can’t be boxed or caged.

 A human is as infinite and unknowable as God himself -- made in the image of God in this way and others. 

Grace means a person is free to evolve in any direction and into endless possibilities and outcomes. 

A human being is unpredictable, unknowable.   If it were not so, we would become bored and lonely with human beings.  They would be no different than objects and possessions.  Our very control of them would render them uninteresting.   

How can we possibly have relationships with such unpredictable beings?   It's just too risky. 

Grace. 

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Don't you just hate Grace?

Let's be honest - we hate Grace. 

Let's be honest - we hate Grace.  We like to control things.  We like predictability, security and knowledge of what the future holds -- at least to some degree.  

But Grace is in its very essence unpredictable and infinite. 

We don't want to give others Grace. 
It's scary.  

They might do something we don't like.

We don't want the people we love to change too much, we don't want our bodies or our health to change too much, we want secure jobs, secure homes, secure incomes, secure economies, secure stock markets, secure political systems.  

We objectify people in an effort to create an illusion that the person we are interacting with is a secure and stable entity that we can understand. 

It's way too scary to try to love something that we don't understand, something we cannot control, something that is always shifting and changing and evolving.  So we objectify in order to love. 

We set our specifications

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Evolution is grace

 I had a weird dream a few months ago.  A rush of something I can only describe as "gray-ness" came toward me and I awoke to a loud voice that said:  

"Evolution is Grace." 

I'm a scientist and I'm fascinated with evolution.  When I taught science at a Christian school I told my students that I found a God who created evolution to be far more interesting and miraculous than one who could only create non-changeable things.  

Grace is an infinite number.  Grace is evolution.  Evolution is grace.

Grace says:  everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. 

Grace says:  The LAW is fulfilled.  There is no longer a system of RIGHT and WRONG.  But Grace. 

So anything can happen. 

Anything.

 Grace says there are endless possibilities and outcomes.  

Grace is an infinite number.   

With Grace we are out of control. 

With Grace error CAN occur and error DOES occur. 

Let's be honest - we hate this.  We like to control things.  We like predictability, security and knowledge of what the future holds -- at least to some degree.  

We don't want the people we love to change too much, we don't want our bodies or our health to change too much, we want secure jobs, secure homes, secure incomes, secure economies, secure stock markets, secure political systems.  We like to analyze things and put them into neat little categories so that we can feel like we understand them.  So that we feel some measure of control.

Right/wrong. 

Good/bad. 

Dualisms. 

Laws.

I'm a biologist and I like to think about spiritual things in light of biology.  I feel like creation reveals a lot about the creative force behind it.  I use the word "god" for that force, but you might dislike that word and prefer another one - or none at all.  That's fine.  I find the principles are the important thing, not the metaphors and words we use to try to describe them.  A rose by any other name......

In the very essence of life – the DNA – we find “rules” (the law).  Rules about replication that lead to life.  But we also find that error can and does always occur.  Errors that lead to variance, mutation, even death.

In religious terms, some will say that this error occurs only by chance, another will say it is God's plan, and still another will say it is NOT God’s plan, but rather a part of the "fallen-ness" of creation. 

Regardless of your beliefs about whether error is PART of God’s plan , or part of human’s diverting from God’s plan (the fall), or if you believe in a God at all, we all know the error DOES occur. 

Let's take DNA.  In the DNA of a cell, an error in replication will occur. Many errors are benign and go nowhere.  Some errors lead to death and suffering in the organism –tumors grow,  cancer begins, birth defects, a non-viable fetus, disease, death. 

If you were the one suffering due to this genetic error, you might call it evil.  

But , this capacity for error, this mechanism that can bring death and suffering, this "evil",  is in fact, the very thing that may allow a certain organism to survive environmental or ecological pressure.  A particular mutation that might be detrimental in good times, might prove beneficial in different environmental conditions and might provide a survival benefit to the organism. Thus, the central aspect of our very genetic makeup that has the capacity for error – the very error that brings suffering and death, the very EVIL – IS also the very thing that also contains the capacity for change, growth, survival, 

LIFE

If you were the organism that survived due to this error, you might call it good.

From death springs life.  

Good and evil are bound up in the same thing. 

It's not either/or,  it's both/and. 

In religion and philosophy the question of evil is debated.  If God is good, can he create evil?  If God is love, why is there evil? 

But in nature error exists so that life can and will continue.  It brings life. 

Error need not be pigeonholed into a nice neat little box of "good" or "bad".  

The debate of can love create evil, can good create evil does not need to arrive at an either/or conclusion. 

It's both/and.  

Both are God’s grace. 

The story of the Garden of Eden is often interpreted as a story about the introduction of evil into the world.  And then the question arises, "why did God even put the tree there?  Why would he tempt people with evil?"     And whether you read the story as allegorical, mythological or literal, the answer to that question may be the same.   The very fact that God (or creation, or biology, or the ground of all being), allows for freedom for error -- is Grace.

Grace is the full openness to an infinite number of options. 

Grace cannot be infinite if options are limited only to those options we call good. 

Grace makes space for error.  Life cannot occur without it.  Grace makes life out of error.  Life that results out of error is evolution – both biological , emotional and spiritual.

"First there is the fall, then there is the recovery from the fall.  Both are the Grace of God” - Julian of Norwich

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Covenants and desire

Nothing is required.  You are obligated to nothing.  You are free.

Part 4 

From Law to desire

When we move from head (law) to heart (desire), desire becomes “written on our hearts”. 

It’s only here that real intimacy can occur. 

Here is where “he will be our God and we will be his people. “

This is true whether it is intimacy with God or with another person. 

This dynamic is the dynamic of grace.  Nothing is required.  You are obligated to nothing.  You are free.

In grace we discover or re-discover desire. 

“Let us draw near to God with a glad and sincere heart”

Why don’t we do it?

Why don’t we enter into the new covenant of grace?  I mean real grace that says everything is permissible?

1.       We don't trust ourselves.  We don’t enter into this new covenant, we don’t set ourselves and our perceived demons free because we don’t trust ourselves.  We don’t really believe that behind all the selfish, hedonistic desires, are good desires waiting to be lived out through us.

2.   We don’t trust God.  We don’t really think that grace is grace.  We still believe some law is necessary to mix in, or chaos will ensue.

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